Shane Birley | Vancouver Blogger | Vancouver Web Developer | Poet
There is something disturbing about losing control. I don't know about you but I am not a fan of being unable to control my mental state. I am quite good at it. I am able to talk myself in and out of different mental spaces and I like to feel like I am "in control" of myself in any situation. I don't want to control the situation, just how I am reacting to any experiences I encounter.
But not so much these days.
I have mentioned this before about the whole "not being in control" thing. I don't remember when I mentioned these thoughts (even though I know I wrote them down somewhere)...
"I wrote them down so I wouldn't have to remember."
-- Henry Jones Senior
It has been just over two weeks since my surgery. I do not feel normal. I visited the doctor earlier this week for the post-operation "looksie". Apparently, everything is going swimmingly. If I could swim, I would. I feel a lot like drowning these days.
"Tits on a bull." I said to the doctor.
"You'll feel better but not very soon." He replied.
I had expected him to smile or something but he was just an intern or student or whatever it is they call you when you're learning. He was nice enough but my attitude has been really negative. I hate feeling useless but I also know it is good for me to rest and do nothing. Keep myself busy with what work I can do and confirm that I do have some form of usefulness.
I have been attempting a couple of half days the past two days. But I have failed miserably. I have attempt to do some work this week since last week was a write off but I am still finding it difficult to sleep now.
I got my third cast today. It is a plastic piece of equipment that I can take on an off. I was told not to take it off for a couple of weeks as it would cause me pain and they would prefer if my leg was motionless for as long as possible.
The last week and a bit I have been doing nothing but attempting to recover my sanity. It is very surprising just how quickly we can lose it. Since the surgery, my body has done into crazy repair time. I didn't know this would happen (we've all skinned our knee or bumped our funny bones, we tend to recover quickly, yes?) with such intensity. If there is something I have learned about myself it is that I don't understand my body as well as I think I do.
Drugs. They are not a good thing. They do help and are able to save us from all kinds of diseases. But pain killer medication is just evil (with a slight silver lining called pain relief) and it made me crazy this past week. I was unable to function properly.