Another Saturday, Days Later...

Well, it has been quite a number of days since I started my blogger and another month has gone by since I have made an entry. I really have no explanation of why I haven't been making the entries that I said I would -- except to say that I have been doing a lot of thinking of late about my place in the world.

I realized that I have spent a lot of time alone. Mainly this time is spent looking out of the window thinking about different lives I could have lived. I have been spending a lot of time thinking about what I could have been. I think about those things that I should have been. I have tried to make sense of it all. I have tried really hard to see what the world has in store for me. What will happen the next time I walk out that door. Are things the way they should be now or are they going to change for me.

I think that I have been wasting a lot of time thinking about the fantasies of the "Could Have Been" world. It really isn't a bad thing to think about things in such a way, but maybe I have been somewhat lost in them for just a little too long. I have been thinking too much. I have been committed to my thoughts more than I have been committed to myself. How can someone do that without being in a daze. A life fogged over with a light sprinkling of reality. Am I trying to impress someone? Myself? Or am I trying to break out of something smily that is enveloping my psychological makeup.

I went to the beach today. Something that I have not really done of late. I like the beach. I like the way it smells. I like the way is sounds. I like the way it feels. The sand and the wind. I hung out with someone who is really awesome and he told me things that most do not tell others. During this time at the beach, I felt like I was waking up from something that I didn't realize I had been trapped in. It was like I looked up through the fog and caught a glimpse of the sun. It was like I hadn't seen the sun for years. It gave me hope.

The funny thing was, I didn't realize I needed hope. I look ed around at my life and I felt that I had accomplished a lot that I had set out to do. I believed that I was done.

On March 20th, 2003, I turned thirty years old. I promised myself that I would write about myself every single day. I promised that I would say something meaningful and that it would allow me a small pleasure of sharing it with people who stumble upon my website. So, I guess, I am saying that I am sorry. I haven't been keeping up my end of the bargin and I need to apologize not really to anyone inparticular, except myself.

So, now what? Am I trying to figure it all out in a blogger or am I trying to say something meaningful for a change? I will say something every day on this site. Even if it is the slightest of observations. It is time that I commit to something and I think that something, or someone, should be myself. How can I commit to anything without that. The future is a scary thing and I think that I have been ignoring it. It barrels on like a steam train and I just sit at the helm, watching life go by. Watching people's conversations with my disappear in a streak of vision. I watch hockey game bound along beside me, disappearing into the gloom of human memory. Strange. How can I, someone who is only thirty feel this way. Some call it a mid-life crisis. It isn't that. I see it everywhere. I see people acting like zombies. The stumble along and don't see that their lives are passing them by.

But, how do I know? Maybe they are living a life that is complete and is a vision of success. Maybe I am deluding myself. Is it just me that is having things go by? I suppose that I am just waking a little and finding that life is going by and that it is offering itself to me and I just brush the outstretched hand away as I look into the void that I have been staring into all along. Hah. That sounds so melodramatic, but really, stop and look around. For many, for the majority it is true. Or, again, am I just seeing something that really doesn't exist. Is it something that I just perceive about others that is really something I am doing. Maybe I am the one walking around like a zombie and feeling sorry for the situation that I have put myself -- not them -- into. Or maybe it is a thirty-life crisis. Maybe I have lost a dream somewhere in the life that I have shuffled for myself.

What makes me feel this way? Why do I ask so many questions? Maybe I am having a crisis of mid-life angst. Feels a lot like the angst that happened in highschool. Hahaha. It sounds funny. Bearing one's soul to the outer world. Feel free to comment in my guestbook, or drop me an email.

It might be quite possible that I create the void myself. Actually, I know I do. I guess if I paint it blue and throw up some clouds, I might turn around and look up again. That sun did look really cool. I should stop existing and start living.

Until tomorrow...