Archive - 2000

I have been reviewing my life over the past few days and wondering what exactly I have been doing. And I can sum it up in a couple of things.

I have discovered that I like Bruce Springsteen's music because it talks about the past a whole lot. For example, this song tells about how people tend to talk about the past a lot without any thought for the future. The eventual discussion about the past and the desire to return to the past.

But, recently I have found that this song describes me now. There are special people in my life now that I can count on and love. And it is true...better days are shining through.

"Lyrics! Dude, recite them some lyrics."

Well, I have had a few more songs running around my head. But, I have been unable to get them out of my head on onto the web page. Well, I suppose I could cough up something. But, maybe tomorrow. I have realized just what kind of eighties kid I am. There are so many things that I remember, especially how awkward it was growing up. How many times did I not ever feel like I was "with it" or "cool".

The transition between high school and university was interesting. Many people spoke to me without so much as a hesitation. All those people who refused to speak with me in high school were my friends all of a sudden.

It is really quite amazing what fear and uncertainty can do. Tres weirdness.

What a pointless and silly entry. But, I am sticking by it.

Today, I learned that my name is really Shane Berkley. I was at work and a very important memo went out to the entire company and my name was so incredibly wrong. I asked them about this and they said that three people had reviewed it.

Talk about being reminded that I am loved at work.

Well, it was a busy weekend and it was incredibly awesome! My apologies for not writing in my on-line diary here -- I am sure there are many people out there in shock and suffering from withdrawal. But, I took a short jaunt up the island here and visited some places I had not been in quite some time. I saw a parade and also had the chance to remember what Christmas is all about. Oh, yes, I also checked out a play that was just the best thing I have seen in quite some time!

But, today, I was thinking about women. Women in my past experience are always complicated for many unseen reasons. I talked to a few friends and found the opinions about relationships were all over the place. No one seemed to agree on anything! So, after making sure I was entirely confused, I suddenly thought of a line in a movie. (Yes, a Kevin Smith movie!)

SILENT BOB:
You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you.

So, there you have it...when you find that right person and you see them doing things for you...just because...you have found the right one. There are so many other things, of course, but if that extra mile is reached...it can be magic.

I heard a radio ad today. It was beautiful.

It was a man telling his marriage vows to his bride. The vows were nice but it was how they ended that caught my attention. He ended with:

"In your fear...
In your confusion...
Even when you don't know me anymore...
I will never leave you."

My grandmother passed away as result of Alzheimer�s disease. I miss her.

Well, I was driving home from my class tonight and I was trying to think of something useless to post. When, of course, I thought of something. It was a time that I thought I would lose control of myself. A time where I knew I was standing on the edge between darkness and light.

I was in Europe in early 1998 on a choir trip and we were close to the end and were celebrating our last night together before returning to Canada.

One of the members of the choir had some experience in hypnotism and was wanting to try it on a bunch of us. Really cool, I thought, not really believing in the true power it was.

The session started with myself and a few others being the guinea pigs and entertainment for the rest of the choir. We were told to sit and stare at something that was up in the air, a tree or something. While we stared at this object, we listened to his voice. It was surprisingly peaceful and then I became tired.

Unfortunately, there was a moment where I became scared.

I realized that I was not entirely in control of my soul. I was not in control of me.

So, I fought it. I fought myself and my desire to let go. I fought hard but I could not bring myself stand up and walk away. I was fascinated with the idea of being hypnotized. I wanted that experience...but my mental state threw up all these warning flags.

I could not take my eyes off this branch I was staring at.

Hundreds of images flashed through my mind and I could not make any sense of them. They passed by like speeding cars through my head. Hundreds, if not thousands of images, blurred quickly. It felt like my life passed before me in a few seconds.

I couldn't seem to stop what was happening.

And then, without warning or any kind of awareness, a tear slid down my cheek. I had begun to cry. I can't explain it fully to this day, but I gave up the battle and closed my eyes when I cried.

I learned something important about myself that day. Something that I should have already known. I am not able to let go of myself. I am aware of myself and others. At least, I hope...

I was thinking about art today and found that most of the art that I enjoy is very earthy in look and feel. I really enjoy looking at plant life and even modern day constructs and just getting some kind of energy from them.

Have any of you ever done something similar? One can even look at their ceiling and get a new perspective about them. I have, many times, looked at my ceiling -- a ceiling that I have viewed countless times during my every day travels -- and noticed something new. I have felt like I could walk on the ceiling without any special means. I could just move about without any problems and think it was completely natural.

But, how does the relate to art and dedication? Art is something like the creative process the brain goes through when it views something like a ceiling. One is able to provcess that information and see it in a different way. Sometimes, I think that we all fail to view problems from different mental angles or we can't seem to determine what is right or wrong for ourselves.

Lewis Carroll put it like this in Through The Looking Glass:

CAT: Which way are you going?

ALICE: I don't know which way I am going?

CAT: Then is doesn't matter which way you go, does it?

So, if anyone is even remotely following my train of thought, if we do not remain dedicated to the creative process in everything we do -- what is the point of going ahead with life. Don't ever get caught in that rut in life. Don't ever not be creative and lose everything that makes us real. Do those silly things that liven up the day. I have read too many of those tiny books with all those "suggestions". Cutesy things. Anyway, enough ranting...

Anyway, there is some message in there but what it is I can't explain it very well. I also see you guys thinking that I should be sharing whatever it is that I am on.

Just think, you can't share being high on life, or even being sad on life. It is an uphill battle for all and we have lost the ability to share in the fight.

What? Well, uh, there you have it.