Well, I was driving home from my class tonight and I was trying to think of something useless to post. When, of course, I thought of something. It was a time that I thought I would lose control of myself. A time where I knew I was standing on the edge between darkness and light.

I was in Europe in early 1998 on a choir trip and we were close to the end and were celebrating our last night together before returning to Canada.

One of the members of the choir had some experience in hypnotism and was wanting to try it on a bunch of us. Really cool, I thought, not really believing in the true power it was.

The session started with myself and a few others being the guinea pigs and entertainment for the rest of the choir. We were told to sit and stare at something that was up in the air, a tree or something. While we stared at this object, we listened to his voice. It was surprisingly peaceful and then I became tired.

Unfortunately, there was a moment where I became scared.

I realized that I was not entirely in control of my soul. I was not in control of me.

So, I fought it. I fought myself and my desire to let go. I fought hard but I could not bring myself stand up and walk away. I was fascinated with the idea of being hypnotized. I wanted that experience...but my mental state threw up all these warning flags.

I could not take my eyes off this branch I was staring at.

Hundreds of images flashed through my mind and I could not make any sense of them. They passed by like speeding cars through my head. Hundreds, if not thousands of images, blurred quickly. It felt like my life passed before me in a few seconds.

I couldn't seem to stop what was happening.

And then, without warning or any kind of awareness, a tear slid down my cheek. I had begun to cry. I can't explain it fully to this day, but I gave up the battle and closed my eyes when I cried.

I learned something important about myself that day. Something that I should have already known. I am not able to let go of myself. I am aware of myself and others. At least, I hope...

I was thinking about art today and found that most of the art that I enjoy is very earthy in look and feel. I really enjoy looking at plant life and even modern day constructs and just getting some kind of energy from them.

Have any of you ever done something similar? One can even look at their ceiling and get a new perspective about them. I have, many times, looked at my ceiling -- a ceiling that I have viewed countless times during my every day travels -- and noticed something new. I have felt like I could walk on the ceiling without any special means. I could just move about without any problems and think it was completely natural.

But, how does the relate to art and dedication? Art is something like the creative process the brain goes through when it views something like a ceiling. One is able to provcess that information and see it in a different way. Sometimes, I think that we all fail to view problems from different mental angles or we can't seem to determine what is right or wrong for ourselves.

Lewis Carroll put it like this in Through The Looking Glass:

CAT: Which way are you going?

ALICE: I don't know which way I am going?

CAT: Then is doesn't matter which way you go, does it?

So, if anyone is even remotely following my train of thought, if we do not remain dedicated to the creative process in everything we do -- what is the point of going ahead with life. Don't ever get caught in that rut in life. Don't ever not be creative and lose everything that makes us real. Do those silly things that liven up the day. I have read too many of those tiny books with all those "suggestions". Cutesy things. Anyway, enough ranting...

Anyway, there is some message in there but what it is I can't explain it very well. I also see you guys thinking that I should be sharing whatever it is that I am on.

Just think, you can't share being high on life, or even being sad on life. It is an uphill battle for all and we have lost the ability to share in the fight.

What? Well, uh, there you have it.

Only two short notes today.

I was at the beach today with an awesome friend and we walked along the beach blabbering to each other as we usually do. As we made our way down the beach, I heard the coolest noise. It was the sound of rocks being pulled down the beach and back under the water. It is a very hard sound to describe. But, it was a moment and sound that I will not forget.

My second thing. I am trying to memorize a song that I like. Nothing incredibly special, but I thought I would post the lyrics for all to see.

I am much too tired to write anything worth much, but here I go. I was just mulling over the fact everyone says "good bye" when they part.

There is always tomorrow. Why do we need to say "good bye"? I should keep saying something positive before parting ways...we cross in and out of each other's lives and we should make each moment count -- because they will never come again.

Ah, religion. This is one of those topics that people really shouldn't talk about. So, I have heard. What exactly is religion? I have heard that it is a series of rules. I have also heard that it is a series of lessons. But, I have also heard it is a bunch of stories.

("Mr. President, I don't know what to believe...")

Religion is discussed, every single day in every single city, town, or village. But then, why are we not supposed to talk about it? What is so wrong with speaking about beliefs? Nothing! It is such a North American comment....

Religion isn't something that shares ideals or beliefs in their full capacity. (Will I explain this right, I pray.) Faith or belief is found everywhere. In the trees. On the sand. In the voice of that guy who pissed you off and stole your seat on a bus.

Really. It is everywhere and I not pulling at heart strings. I am not trying to sound intelligent or profound. I am speaking from my heart. My heart, where my beliefs reside.

Anyway, there it is. My thought for the day.

I have been talking with my friends recently a lot about the movie Chasing Amy written by Kevin Smith of Clerks fame. (www.viewaskew.com) So, I thought I would post my favourite exchange of dialogue in the movie. I have been asked why I like this part of the movie and I think it is because of the honest dialogue. I like good dialogue rather than fluffy garbage that one finds in movies. Thanks, Kevin Smith for keeping dialogue interesting, and with purpose.

BANKY
Bear with me here. I just want to put you through this little exercise. (drawing feverishly) Okay, now see this? This is a four way road?

Banky draws a four-way stop. He illustrates according to his voice-over.

BANKY V.O.
And dead in the center, is a crisp, new, hundred dollar bill. Now at the end of each of the streets, are four people, okay? You following? Over here, we got a male-affectionate, easy-to-get-along-with, non-political agenda lesbian. Down here, we have a man-hating, angry-as-fuck, agenda-of-rage, bitter dyke. To this side, we got Santa Claus, right? And over to this side - the Easter Bunny.

Banky finishes drawing. Holden's shaking his head.

BANKY
Which one's going to get to the hundred dollar bill first?

HOLDEN
What is this supposed to prove?

BANKY
No, I'm serious. This is a serious exercise. It's like an S.A.T. question. Which one's going to get to the hundred dollar bill first - the male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter Bunny?

HOLDEN (beat; then pissed)
The man-hating dyke.

BANKY
Good. Why?

HOLDEN
I don't know.

BANKY(wildly crossing out the other three)
BECAUSE THE OTHER THREE ARE FIGMENTS OF YOUR FUCKING IMAGINATION!

Being sick really sucks because in this beautiful life there is always some sorrow. It is a double-edged knife. (Some people will know where I got that from!) But, yes, I am sick again. I can't believe it. I have been sick for a week now and it is pissing me off at every turn. I just want to rant and complain and piss on everyone's day but I know that won't help except get people mad at me and then they will beat me to death...

I try to never regret things, but this past week I have been regretting the fact I taught swimming lessons for years and (by choice!) submerged myself in water for many hours a day and for many days on end. I just don't get it! Why was I so stupid! I remember the day quite clearly. My doctor investigated my newly discovered ability to get sick each time I entered into a chlorinated pool. He was very interested and then told me in a voice that was dry and even: "Now, you know why they made chlorine bombs."

That was supposed to be funny, I think. Well, I did think it was funny but later it told me that I was stupid and ignorant for not recognizing a future that would ultimately harm my body and weaken my lungs. Ah, well. There really isn't much I can do about it right now, but do I look like one who rants and raves on a continual basis?

At the end of the day, you just have to say it's alright. Or another way to say it is that everything is all good.