I have been reading through some of the blog entries I have done over the last number of weeks and, wow, what a sad bastard I have been. It must be tiring to have to read stuff like this or, maybe, you want to know how I am feeling.

I hate it feeling like this. I should have been happy about the holidays.

There is something about being perpetually grumpy that annoys me. This grumpy attitude clouds thought while simple common reason takes a holiday.

But here is the thing. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a family that loves me, I have a blog that people actually read, and I have a great business that does a lot of cool things.

So, here is my New Year resolution. I am going to be a Happy Bastard again. Yes, a Happy Bastard. I am going to recapture the happiness and make something of it. I will document this process and possibly help someone else who is feeling the way I do.

If you have any suggestions about how to go about this, please leave them in the comments or drop me an e-mail. I am sure anything will help.

So, I was outside tonight walking the pugs and looking up at the dark sky, hoping I would see a red light. I really hoped for it.

I didn't see one.

I guess the Christmas Spirit eluded me this year. It is a sad thought but I can't say the holiday season has been all that bad. I just wish I was far more invested emotionally. I long for the days when I was a small child who started vibrating with anticipation the moment I knew Christmas Eve had arrived.

Perhaps I have grown up or too old far before I was supposed to. Or maybe this is just part of the process of healing when tragic things happen.

I also don't want anyone to think I have been acting like a Scrooge or Grinch because I haven't been. I just haven't felt it. That feeling you have when the holidays come around. I miss it. I am sure it will be back next year. I just am keenly aware of how I have been feeling.

In any case. I have been enjoying the time I have spent with my friends and family and I hope that you all have the same experience.

Merry Christmas and I am sure there will be smiles on everyone's face in the morning.

At this time last year, I was live tweeting the Christmas movie, Die Hard. It was the exact moment in 2010 when I was filled with the Christmas spirit the most. It was fun and it made me smile. But, if you've been following my mental blabbering, I haven't yet experienced the same feeling this year. I am feeling very much like I am covered with some sort of plastic sheeting that is repellent to everything.

I feel like I am not allowed to feel the Christmas spirit at all. I have been denied. I function normally throughout my days but when start thinking about the holidays, I just want it to be spring already. Everything that is going on has dulled my desire for Christmas. I have heard that many people experience something quite similar but I have yet to figure out how to break out of it.

So, when I woke up this morning to my cell phone chirping away, I did what anyone trying to capture a feeling for Christmas does. I went shooting. There is nothing like holding a .357 Magnum in your hand and squeezing off numerous rounds into a target 100 yards away. Actually, I think it was 50 yards but who is counting. I had the most powerful hand gun in the world cracking off bullet after bullet in my hand. We then moved to the .22 target range gun thing they use for competitons. Am I any good? Hardly. I don't think I hit the target at all with the .357 but I did not too badly with the .22 and I am sure I hit my dad's target a few times as well. My dad is quite the shot considering he has limited vision in one eye. Sadly, with my great eye sight, I sucked the big one.

When I got home, I hung Christmas lights. Yah. That is what I did. For a few hours. It was good. Finally, in the afternoon, I went off to see my sister sing in Handel's Messiah at the Farquar Auditorium at the University of Victoria.

All in all. A good day. Best one I have had in months. I must dash. Off to the ferry, I must go...

I am catching up on some posts this evening. Just some house cleaning type of things. But, since I am trying to get my brain into a new gear in terms of my blog, I thought I would write about my short exploits and practice not writing about topics that seem to be skipping around my head these days.

So...

My blog roll. What the hell happened to it? I have no idea either. It took a quick look around at some other blogs and realized that, hey, have blogrolls fallen out of favour? I don't see as many as I used to. I decided that something must be done about this terrible state of the blogroll - so - I am bringing it back.

Yes, you heard me, the blogroll is officially back, muthalovers. I am going to start posting up some blogs that I think are cool and wish to promote. Do you have the balls or skill to make my blogroll?

Try me...submit, I dare you. Join my blogroll and become cooler than you are at this very moment. Check the sidebar and quake with blogroll fear or join my snake worshipping legion of the undead!

Or just let me know you would like to trade blogroll links because you don't think I am a total freak.

I don't know what to think about this. According to some stories I have read, Nathan Fillion said something on Twitter about winning millions of dollars and buying the rights to Firefly from Fox. Wishful thinking, of course, but it has spawned a campaign. A bunch of Browncoats started taking pledges (not money) to help Nathan produce the show should the rights ever be purchased. So, after some soul searching, would I really want to have another bout of Firefly? I guess I am a little gunshy with this show. A few years ago, I live blogged the entire series. We made ice planets and, basically, nerded out. It was the last time I watched Firefly or watched the film, Serenity.

Part of the reason I held the Firefly marathon is I wanted to move on. I have never loved a television show like I do Firefly. There is something about it that makes you want to watch it over and over again hoping that the next time you watch it, there are six and a half more years of episodes to get through. The film came out a couple of years after the show ended and it answered all the pressing questions (except for one) but it still didn't fill that void.

To try and dull the pain when I learned there would be no more Firefly, I watched Buffy and Angel and became fascinated to watch the writers develop their skills over the years and it all made sense. Most of the writers on Buffy, ended up on Firefly. No wonder the show was amazing, these folks had worked for years together. It was a perfect storm of talent. It was something that I don't think had ever been done before or has been replicated since.

We've all become critical and desperate these days when it comes to television. As viewers, we've made the industry jumpy and have driven the addiction to reality (barf) programs which makes it less likely that a show like Firefly would ever appear again. Would a potential reboot do it? Doubtful but I would be willing to give it a try. It just wouldn't be the same. I don't know if I could go through that again. It is only a television show after all but, if you've seen it, you know it is much more.

Back to the marathon. I wanted to get out of my "Firefly head" and check out some other shows that I may enjoy. I have checked out Castle, Chuck, and a few other things. But I can't help but feel a little giddy about the potential of a return. It probably won't happen since we've already had our Cinderella story with a movie. But, I hate to admit it, I still haven't entirely moved on. I don't think I ever will. Losing Firefly was like being kicked in the gut. Do you remember the first time you felt sick to your soul because of some kind of rejection? Some experience it when they break up for the first time. I remember the first time I felt it and it was when they canceled Firefly.

I cry every time I see this scene below. The pain is still fresh...augh.

And, of course, if you ever doubt the love of Firefly fans, just check this one out and it will all be clear just how powerful this show was and still is. We still have more comics to read from The Verse. Have you checked out Book's story yet?

I have been trying to figure what is it that drives my passion for blogging and more so what stops it. I enjoy blogging. If I am not doing it, I am thinking about what my next blog post should be. But, still for reasons I can't fathom, I stop. Days turn into weeks and not one post leaks from my fingers. Does life get in the way or is there something else going on that I am not seeing?

If you're reading this, you are most likely already blogging or are thinking about getting into blogging. It is an addictive hobby that has spread and transformed into other methods of sharing. In the beginning, there was HTML and the creative spirit. You could write text and, if you were lucky, figure out how to post images. I refer to these days as "scratching in the technical dirt". Today, we have blogging software, photo sharing services, audio sharing services, and services like Facebook that take such things to a whole new level. It is in our blood this "sharing addiction". Some say a sense of adventure drives it but it could be anything.

So, what stops it?

Drinking The Coolaid

Yes, we've all done it. You've found something incredibly cool and you want to let others know about it. You become all fired up and start to walk the walk and talk the talk. The problem is, you burn out. Writing and creative expression is hard work and many out there don't believe it is so. I challenge the nay-sayers and want to educate those who think that posting information to the web is an easy task. Unfortunately, there is a down side to being the blogging "guy" and it is the reality of creating quality content. If you sit down and pump out meaningless sentence after meaningless sentence (cough, Twitter) you and your blog become less interesting. I think Twitter is one of those services that has encouraged people to stop thinking and creating and has reduced people's blogs to merely sharing content from other locations and by other people. Not everything is poor, mind you, but Twitter has created a small portion of lazy bloggers.

Finding The Balance

Yet, as exciting as sharing information and knowledge is with others, it can be time consuming and can consume the unwise. I am guilty of this from time to time. I am so busy sharing I can forget what I really should be doing - enjoying the moment! In my experience, I lack a lot of time to blog because I am dedicated to getting things done that I need to get done. Blogging hasn't been one of those things over the last couple of years. Finding the time is hard if you want to create meaningful and useful content for your web site or blog.

New Toys

I suppose it is about the toys. You have toys as a child and regardless of how crappy the toy is or ordinary, it is still the toy you want to play with. Blogging is no different. We get distracted with all kinds of glittery things. We obsess over the different options, features, and fancy shiny things we may configure and place on our blogs. I am always concerned about bloggers who follow this practice. Many don't think past the glittery stage. They blieve something is so cool to look at that it must have some sort of

Of course, I haven't discovered anything new here. This kind of attitude is everywhere. New gadgets, shiny options, and fancy layouts seem to dominate the realm of the blogging world. I am seeing this leak away a bit these days - which may be why I am wanting to return. My voice has meaning and value but it is like the followers I gained over the years lost their way. They were distracted by the new stuff and forgot what it was they got into blogging for to begin with.

Gak

Essentially, I think my biggest issue is that I had lost faith. With so many sharing services, I was personally overwhelmed to "walk the walk". It is very interesting to me as I haven't really gone into this much depth before. I have promised and re-promised that I would return only to get sucked back in to life, confusion, dry mouth, or whatever issue I can make an excuse of. Just when I thought I was out... they pull me back in.

This whole post has not gone where I thought it was going. Enough. Off to bed and more tomorrow.

I am getting excited about this whole podcast thing. You get to put on a head set, turn on a microphone and you talk. Actually, this is more of a re-igniting of interest as podcasts are not all that new to me. I have done quite a number of them since 2004 but rarely do I get enough of a chance to sit down and collect my thoughts in order to make one these days. Unlike blogging (just typing stuff on a keyboard) there is more of an art and technology to it; not too much technology but enough to give non-geeks pause. This is getting easier to deal with but even the most seasoned software user may turn away when they realize they have to deal with MP3 files or learn what a codec is.

Why am I getting excited? I have reached a goal of sorts. For the last couple of years, I have been feeling like a non-sharer. I am one of those bloggers who is an introvert. Those of you who know me personally would probably disagree but, yes, I am very much an introverted type of soul. The results of being an introvert is it takes quite a bit of energy to share. I am not really a sharing type. I am a performer and have done improvisational comedy for years. If you have ever seen me on stage (it has been far too long since I graced the floorboards) I can be quite bizarre. Not something an introvert would do, right?

Back in September of 2010, however, I was invited by a bunch of cool people to sit in on their podcast. I was invited back a few times and, now, I have my "name on the label". I remember when that happened a few weeks back. I showed up for a new episode and - bang - I noticed I my last name was on the branding. I was shocked and happy all at the same time. Not just for having a little recognition but because had reached a goal that I had set for myself in back in that very same September - to do a podcast consistently. I quietly checked that one off my bucket list - if I had one.

I do have a self-indulgent interest in having reached this goal - the "tooting" of my horn. I don't want to sound like a whiner because we all hate those types of people but I suck at promoting myself. I can promote the bejeezus out of someone else and tell them how amazing they are but, man, what is wrong with me and why can't I really grab the horns of my own self worth. I have a vast knowledge base in my head, I work hard, I help and educate a lot of people and I am loyal to a fault (sometimes) but I - for some reason - crash and burn when promoting myself.

Now, six months later, I am thinking those "non-promoting me" days are starting to dwindle and I credit sitting in front of a microphone is helping me accomplish that. The power of conversation is incredibly addicting and I am beginning to remember why. I still have some road to walk down before I get to the place I want to be but I must credit the guys at Dyscultured for helping me out even though they may not realize it.

I also cannot say enough about two other people that have been suffering through my lack of self-confidence. Jonathon Narvey and Monica Hamburg, you two have started a fire under my ass to get back into the blogging and publishing fray by asking me and pressuring me (very lightly, though) about doing some podcasting with you both. Jonathon has survived and entire year of stopping and starting a podcast called The Social Nerdcast and Monica and I have been talking about doing a regular podcast about our senses of humour. You guys rock.

And I have to send out a quick thanks to all of those people who continually come back to this web site and tell me to keep going. I have co-written two books with the amazing Susie Gardner but yet I have let you all down with my lack of sharing and my lack of blogging leadership. You probably don't have a clue what I am talking about but, essentially, I feel that I have put myself out there as one who is representing the new bloggers and haven't done my blogging share.

Wow. Where did this post come from? Anyway, before I start repeating myself (as I can do) - I will start showing my face and voice out here more often and I hope you can help me out by supporting me just a little bit longer through the low points and tolerate my rebuilding my confidence again.

I am game, if you are. See you tomorrow.