So, I was outside tonight walking the pugs and looking up at the dark sky, hoping I would see a red light. I really hoped for it.

I didn't see one.

I guess the Christmas Spirit eluded me this year. It is a sad thought but I can't say the holiday season has been all that bad. I just wish I was far more invested emotionally. I long for the days when I was a small child who started vibrating with anticipation the moment I knew Christmas Eve had arrived.

Perhaps I have grown up or too old far before I was supposed to. Or maybe this is just part of the process of healing when tragic things happen.

I also don't want anyone to think I have been acting like a Scrooge or Grinch because I haven't been. I just haven't felt it. That feeling you have when the holidays come around. I miss it. I am sure it will be back next year. I just am keenly aware of how I have been feeling.

In any case. I have been enjoying the time I have spent with my friends and family and I hope that you all have the same experience.

Merry Christmas and I am sure there will be smiles on everyone's face in the morning.

Today, I am following in the footsteps of a good friend of mine. He wrote this morning that he has never felt more Christmas-y.

I have been in the dumps this year as has the majority of my family. If you've been following my blog, you'll know why. Last week, we lost my grandfather and it has been hard. Yet, for me, it has been more than just his passing.

Essentially, my entire family watched a family member die. You can't put it any other way. Collectively, we all watched him go from a reasonably healthy man (he was over 90, so, there are health issues regardless) to someone who wasn't awake for most of the day.

It wasn't just that we watched a loved one fail and pass on, it was harder to witness what it did to my family. There was hope, discussion, reasoning, bargaining, and everything that accompanies a visit from Death. It was like Death waltzed into our lives, chose the comfy chair in the living room corner, cracked the daily newspaper and waited. Naturally, he listened to the discussions around him but all he could do was wait and smile. For me, that was the hardest part.

So, the inevitable happened and now thoughts have turned to the holidays. I guess my brain has found some comfort and relief in the knowledge that my grandfather is no longer suffering. Once my synapses figured that out, they probably thought: "Jesus. When did all these sparkly lights show up?" Honestly, it has been a blur. I was visiting him in the hospital just yesterday. Or was that in May or June? Brains are stupid sometimes.

My point is, I have had no interest in the holidays. I haven't wanted to acknowledge them at all. Didn't the month of August just finish? It seems that time has sped up in my mind some how. I don't know why. The world hasn't changed the axis tilt that much and Superman hasn't tried to do anything lately, has he?

In any case, part of what I have been feeling is how powerless I really am in the universe. I also feel a little silly. I wish I could solve all of the problems currently going on in the world and somehow protect my family from it all. I know I can't but I still want that for my family. It has been hard and I want things to be "okay" but I know that they can't. I also live a distance from my immediate family and it is hard not being able to just pop over when they need me. My sister is there and she is a strong soul and is able to do and support everyone a lot but I can't help but feel that I haven't pulled my weight. But you can't do everything. It just isn't reasonable to expect that of one's self.

I hope that next year I am going to explode on Christmas morning and feel like it is the greatest day in the year. I used to do that. I remember that even when I was in university I found it hard to sleep on Christmas Eve. I wonder if I can recapture that feeling this year. I know I will try. If not for me, I will try and recapture it for my family because, with everything that has happened, it is all I can really do.

So, I haven't felt all that Christmas-y and I was glad that someone is. I may try to steal a little bit of that feeling and hoard it for myself.

NOTE: I started to write this blog post a couple of days ago. Sadly, I have had no Internet at home for a few weeks because we're switching providers and I wasn't able to get it done nor posted this past Friday. Pretend you read this two days ago. No, really. It will all make sense.

We have just returned from the woods but our vacation is not over yet. Much fun was had and we talked a lot about vacations and holidays. I have also recorded some of these conversations and they will be introduced as a new fancy weekly podcast called The ShaneCast. I think this will be the last podcast I do because I am doing way too many as it is. (Waiting for the pin drop here?)

I was going to wait and post something tomorrow night but due to the topic of conversation that dominated the last week, I couldn't let this one slide by. The Twitter stream for Shit My Dad Says had this to say the about holidays vs. vacations:

"You can't come...Because it's not a vacation if my family is with me. I could vacation in my fucking house if you people left it."

I will also say this: there is a real difference between vacations and holidays. Who knew... I will clean up some of the recordings and post them soon.

It has been a fun filled and exciting time these last few months. We've launched a great bunch of projects and are working on the next batch - but, for the next week, I am NOT available. I am heading into the woods and I won't be back until the 29th of August. I thought you all should know since I am sure you're just chomping at the bit and waiting for my next post. We've got people staying in our place, the pugs are at the Dog Hotel of awesome, and I think I am leaving my phone in a fish tank somewhere. 

I intend on writing and sorting some of those posts I have written but haven't published. I am having to call them "From The Vault" or something like that since there are so many of them, I lost count, and quite a few of them are more than a year old. It is one of those things that happens when you're trying to be all "creative and stuff". The creative stuff got a little out of hand and I wasn't able to complete them. That is the way it goes, I guess. You can't let yourself get bogged down in the details until you've got a first draft done.

Thus, I head into the woods to recharge the batteries for a week and get back a little perspective.

So long, suckas! See you on the flip side.