I have been reading through some of the blog entries I have done over the last number of weeks and, wow, what a sad bastard I have been. It must be tiring to have to read stuff like this or, maybe, you want to know how I am feeling.

I hate it feeling like this. I should have been happy about the holidays.

There is something about being perpetually grumpy that annoys me. This grumpy attitude clouds thought while simple common reason takes a holiday.

But here is the thing. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a family that loves me, I have a blog that people actually read, and I have a great business that does a lot of cool things.

So, here is my New Year resolution. I am going to be a Happy Bastard again. Yes, a Happy Bastard. I am going to recapture the happiness and make something of it. I will document this process and possibly help someone else who is feeling the way I do.

If you have any suggestions about how to go about this, please leave them in the comments or drop me an e-mail. I am sure anything will help.

So, I was outside tonight walking the pugs and looking up at the dark sky, hoping I would see a red light. I really hoped for it.

I didn't see one.

I guess the Christmas Spirit eluded me this year. It is a sad thought but I can't say the holiday season has been all that bad. I just wish I was far more invested emotionally. I long for the days when I was a small child who started vibrating with anticipation the moment I knew Christmas Eve had arrived.

Perhaps I have grown up or too old far before I was supposed to. Or maybe this is just part of the process of healing when tragic things happen.

I also don't want anyone to think I have been acting like a Scrooge or Grinch because I haven't been. I just haven't felt it. That feeling you have when the holidays come around. I miss it. I am sure it will be back next year. I just am keenly aware of how I have been feeling.

In any case. I have been enjoying the time I have spent with my friends and family and I hope that you all have the same experience.

Merry Christmas and I am sure there will be smiles on everyone's face in the morning.

At this time last year, I was live tweeting the Christmas movie, Die Hard. It was the exact moment in 2010 when I was filled with the Christmas spirit the most. It was fun and it made me smile. But, if you've been following my mental blabbering, I haven't yet experienced the same feeling this year. I am feeling very much like I am covered with some sort of plastic sheeting that is repellent to everything.

I feel like I am not allowed to feel the Christmas spirit at all. I have been denied. I function normally throughout my days but when start thinking about the holidays, I just want it to be spring already. Everything that is going on has dulled my desire for Christmas. I have heard that many people experience something quite similar but I have yet to figure out how to break out of it.

So, when I woke up this morning to my cell phone chirping away, I did what anyone trying to capture a feeling for Christmas does. I went shooting. There is nothing like holding a .357 Magnum in your hand and squeezing off numerous rounds into a target 100 yards away. Actually, I think it was 50 yards but who is counting. I had the most powerful hand gun in the world cracking off bullet after bullet in my hand. We then moved to the .22 target range gun thing they use for competitons. Am I any good? Hardly. I don't think I hit the target at all with the .357 but I did not too badly with the .22 and I am sure I hit my dad's target a few times as well. My dad is quite the shot considering he has limited vision in one eye. Sadly, with my great eye sight, I sucked the big one.

When I got home, I hung Christmas lights. Yah. That is what I did. For a few hours. It was good. Finally, in the afternoon, I went off to see my sister sing in Handel's Messiah at the Farquar Auditorium at the University of Victoria.

All in all. A good day. Best one I have had in months. I must dash. Off to the ferry, I must go...

What do you do when you're trying to get back into the spirit of Christmas?

Lights.

I hung Christmas lights.

This is what I did.

Then I played a board game.

I then went out for coffee.

I was then quite tired from all the stress and am thinking about bed.

Sorry if I missed any of you. I will be back next week.

I realized today that I have NOT talked at all about some of hte things I am doing when I am not writing (sort of) on my blog. There are numerous things that I have been creating and helping to build and I normally tell people these things. Yet, this year has been rough and I haven't really been in the mood to "toot my horn". Are you dying to know what the hell I have been up to? Well, the simple answer is podcasting. I have been recording my voice and posting it on line quite more often than posting things here. I have also been experimenting in different styles and characters.

Dyscultured

This little bitty is one of the coolest Canadian podcasts around. The podcast was started by Mike Vardy, Andrew Currie, Ryan Wiseman, and Anthony Marco (I joined the fray about a year ago) and we talk about tech, culture, and how it applies to Canadians. If you want to know what important things are happening in the nerdy world, subscribe and educate yourself. It is crisp. Edible. Wonderful.

The S&M Rants

This is where things get crazy. This NSFW podcast has two awesome people talking about stuff. We review crazy and unbelievable real stories from news all over the world, get other people to review the same stories, and we conclude with a weekly winner. Just listen to know what the heck I am talking about. Monica Hamburg runs this show and keeps me in line.

The Sound of Awesome

This is just me. Raw. Unplanned. Rambling. You will know me better if you subscribe.

NOTE: This post was written some time ago but it isn't "time sensitive"  and I thought it was worth posting. This is called "catching up".

Here we are. Just a week away and we will all be celebrating the Christmas holiday. Well, most of us. There are other religions and belief systems on this planet that don't do the whole Christmas thing but I can't speak for those. Why I bring it up? I have no idea but sometimes that is how my method of personal blogging works. I attempt to acknowledge that there are other people in the world and it messes with my prose. I bounce around like a ball and I make little sense. I usually go further and try to explain why I am lacking focus. It is a vicious circle. Terrible.

Today we had my grandfather's funeral at Holy Trinity Church near Sidney, B.C. It was packed! I was surprised the georgeous little church didn't burst at the seams. Holy Trinity is the "family" church and, from what I gather, should I never choose another location for my final resting place, that is where my mortal remains will end up. It is a quiet location near the inlet and I have always liked it. I don't think I have ever mentioned this publically, not that it is a very important detail, but I think with the run of family passings over the last 12 months, how can one not think about such things. It is a little weird, I suppose, but not entirely outlandish to wonder about where you will "end up". I am in no rush to get there either. I plan to out live everyone I know. I quote I famous Starfleet Captain: "Speak for yourself, sir. I plan to live forever."

The service was decent. We then adjourned to my grandfather's home and shared in some wine and food. It was a positive day.

Now, I must move onward to what is next. Christmas. This year is what I call a "Saskatchewan Year" where we fly over to the land of big skies and celebrate with Ally's family. This year, considering everything that has happened, we are coming back to Victoria for a few days. Luckily, Ally's parents treated us to the Grey Cup and they visited us in Vancouver so we did get to see them. We will miss out on the new baby in Saskatoon but I am sure we will be able to catch up at a later time.

I want to send a little shoutout to some of my close friends who have posted me little pick me up notes. I do cherish those messages and it helps quite a bit.

Wow. I have never really felt this low about the holidays.

Tomorrow is my grandfather's funeral and I am more than ready to move on with my life. The level of distraction I feel is overwhelming and I have tried to fight through it. I have realized that you can't force yourself through the mourning process. You just have to let it swarm you, carry you on a bit of a detour, and wait for it to drop you back on your previous course.

But it isn't fun. I also have had to come to grips with the reality that everyone in my family is going through the same process but I their own ways. I have always tried to remind myself of that. People react differently and are more apt to go crazy during stressful times.

It has put such a halt on the festivities and my mood hasn't improved as quickly as I would have liked. I thank my years of improvisational theatre for giving me the skills to fake my way through the tough bits. It isn't the best choice but is there really a "right" choice? The right choices fly away on the breeze these days.

Of course, I can't ignore that there have been a few people who had reached out in support. I can't thank them enough because it has helped a great amount. I think my form of mourning is the I feel quite alone even when I know I am not.

I can hope that next year is better and a far more positive experience.